As I got older though, things began to change. My siblings and cousins were done being bossed around by me (to my great dismay lol). My best friend for a long time was bossier than I ever was, and so I quickly learned to take on the sidekick role. I stopped doing plays because the only kids that got the good parts were the popular ones who had connections to the directors. I quit my dance classes because it just wasn’t fun anymore. My dreams of being a songwriter or singer went out the window when I realized I hated learning about music. My goals of being an author got crushed by the people who should’ve been encouraging me. And on top of all of this, I was dealing with a rocky home life. And because of the issues at home, I quickly realized I was no longer the boss of anything. I was left looking for any scraps of control I could hold on to.

My life from 4th grade until 8th grade was not as bad as it was for some people. I’m aware of that. But it did change me into a completely different person. I switched schools in 4th grade and had quite a few friendships come and go quickly. By middle school, my only three outlets were reading, watching YouTube,  and my broadcasting class. In that class, I had the opportunity to bring out my old bossy self. But I wasn’t the most creative, or funny, and most of the people still didn’t want to listen to me. I got nervous and embarrassed when I went to interviews for the yearbook staff. In my choir class almost everyone was much more talented than me and they weren’t afraid to try out for the solos. My younger sister would make fun of me for not wanting to even talk to the people working at McDonald’s. She was off doing every sport, getting great grades, looking pretty, and being popular. While I did nothing, I gained a lot of weight, was mediocre in school, and considered myself a loser. I truly understood and believed that I was inadequate. I believed that I was not talented and I was too shy and scared of embarrassing myself to try anything new. 

These feelings are ones I’m still trying to fight against. I honestly did almost nothing extracurricular until my junior year of high school. I talked to my friends, I spent a lot of time online, and I read, that was pretty much it. During the beginning of high school, however, I did start to post pictures I cared about on my Instagram. And I would find quotes that spoke to me to go with them. My home life, at least in part, began to calm down a little bit around this time too. And yet It still was not until my junior year of high school that I finally got another big role in a play. The role made me step out of my comfort zone and everyone said I was the funniest part of the whole show. Also during my junior year, I joined the high school broadcast class, and though I was shy and uncomfortable for most of it, I enjoyed it immensely. I gained new skills, was forced to learn how to talk to people, worked hard, and had fun. 

During the end of high school, I began to follow people on Instagram that inspired me and who showed me that things I enjoyed were not a waste of time. Writers, artists, poets, photographers, travelers, and dreamers were all things the world had, and still has need of. And I wanted to be all of those things. I began to realize the things I wanted out of life. But I was still scared to share them with the people around me. I mean all of my dreams before were crushed and lost. What if it all happened again with my new interests? 

And so after a rough summer family-wise, and many years of friendship turmoil, my freshman year of college started. I went in as a broadcasting major despite knowing it was not what I wanted to do with my life. I did not really get involved in anything this past year. I made friends and I was getting really good grades which I was super happy about, but I wasn’t fulfilled. So I tried to take photos but I got embarrassed walking around and I wasn’t inspired much by my surroundings. I also bought a website domain and hosting hoping to start a blog but the website sat untouched from the day I bought it in October. I just had no motivation and infinite excuses with classes and starting a new campus job. 

And then the pandemic came, and while the world was changed for the worse, I forced myself to change for the better. It was a very rough few months. Going from having almost infinite freedom at college to being back with my family and not able to leave was hard. Forcing myself to do my online classes was hard. And as soon as my classes were done my dad being on me to not be lazy and find a job for the summer was annoying and upsetting. But through it all, I had an idea. I still had that untouched website from October. All of my favorite bloggers on Instagram were saying now was the time to grow your online presence. And I was out of excuses; classes were over and I needed a way to not have to work at a terrible summer job. And so I did it, through tears I did what I hadn’t done since I was very young. I told my family about my goals and plans.  

And to my very, very, much surprise, they were all super supportive. (It turns out while I was going through life growing, and changing, they were as well.) And so I’ve done it! I’ve built a website/blog and I’ve been working on it and researching things for it every day. I have plans to work on my photography and grow my Instagram.   Along with that, I finally really decided that I want to travel extensively despite being scared (nothing like spending months stuck at home with your family to make you want to get out and as far away as possible). And for the first time in a very long time, I truly feel confident in my ability to succeed and thrive. I feel like I’ve finally found my voice, and I can’t wait to yell what I learn, what I care about and what I believe in from the mountaintops. Or you know, at least from my little corner of the internet.

It was a long journey and this wasn’t even all of it. But I am so proud of how far I’ve come and I am so excited to see where I’ll be even 1 year from now, let alone 10. I can’t wait to share more of my life growth with you on my website and to share my newfound confidence and love (and other emotions) for the world on Instagram. So please follow along on both I’ve got a lot more to live, learn, and share!